Chapter 3: the flood gates of lust opened, unwanted passion, and unbelievable pain!
If love is blind the lust it deaf, dumb, blind, and a rapist!
It was daylight, shinning through the curtains making me hide under a blanket, my eyes hate the sun. I lay there on my sofa while my bowels rumble, fighting with my stomach, it twists and hurt, while my kidneys sit back and laugh with the knowledge that they get the joy of finishing me off, while my fucked up spine attempts to straighten out and then I hear it whip it by DEVO It’s Kay…no It’s Phil. I talk to him he says he heard I had a re laps, my mind twists and thinks DRUGS? No I am clean! The words fly out of my mouth in a crass fashion. He says no I heard you have Cancer again, I sigh heavily and ask him who said I had Canter again, I can smell miscommunication and trouble her says his wife, my dear friend Kay…I know he only is hearing what he wants too. He knows I am terminal, so is her, so is Kay. I told Kay that when I look in the mirror I hate what I see, my body has gone thin, and I look like I did when I had (past thence) Cancer. I feel my ribs poke against my flesh as I shift to my side and explain to him the I have a staff infection in my kidneys, I have an Ulcer and a Hernia that is bleeding, that I was in the hospital. He knows it is not something I fear. I get into a deep conversation with him and he cuts me off, he talks about his girl friend that doesn’t know about his wife and his wife that knows about his girl friend.
My mind spirals and I feel like I am trapped inside the tellie in some rubbish soap opera! I ask him why he is with another woman he explains. I try to understand even though he is being stupid. He is making nothing but bad choices, and at he needs to be slapped while someone screams out- “GOOD GOD MAN! OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES! YOU HAVE HIV, YOU ARE EXPOSING YOUR WIFE TO IT, AND YOU ARE FUCKING AN EXJUNKIE WHO IS AN EX-CON! YOU ARE UP TO YOU’RE GILLS IN SHIT!” As I lay there with thoughts of beating the hell out of him, I snap back to reality when he says “Look, I didn’t call to have a deep conversation with you ok, I just wanted to hear your voice when I was masturbating” My mind hears the words but thinks it is a sick trick I utter “You called to jack off and talk to me while I am in pain and feel like death? What you want me to Jill off? I’m not twisted like YOU FUCK. I am in to much pain for bullshit.” My mind recoils at the thought of him thinking of me and touching himself, in this state of shock he proclaims with pride “We have fooled around before (FYI: That was a long time ago I was Drunk and no sex!) I can not help it for desiring you, I think of you when I am fucking Kay” My hand drops the phone as my stomach turns, I breathe, pick the phone up and blurt out “What the fuck are you on about? This is a joke right?”
I lay on my back sick of my ribs pressing into my flesh; my mind shouts “FASTER PUSSY CAT KILL, KILL!” The air feels heavy, I breathe in the thick soup. I reluctantly say “In the words of the Virgin Mary, what?” He is making sounds of pleasure and grunts out “I have my hard cock in my hand does that bother you” My bastard mind makes me say “Most who think of other people while wanking or fucking don’t call the person they are thinking of whilst doing those acts.” He laughs and says “Can you be any sexier?” Again my bastard mind take over my mouth “Oh fuck yeah, I look like a flesh bag of bones, I feel like hell and I have been vomiting up blood for three days, when you feel yourself dyeing all you want is sex….sex for the rotting corpse I am becoming!” He tells me that he wants me…god do they all say that? He says still making those horride pleasure noises “I thought we were gonna hook up!” My mind leaps from my head and bounces off the walls and back into my scull. I ask “hook up?” He says “Yes you and me fucking!” I explain how THIS IS WRONG ON EVERY LEVEL POSSIBLE! Then he says that Kay his wife is calling he has to go I says thank you to Papa Legba and tells me to call him back, I gag and think BLESS KAY! I tell him to talk to his wife, he says he will call me back later and hangs up.
My stomach turns and I think about the nuns that cut off there noses so they would not be rapped, why we have the saying cut off your nose to spite you face! I feel my stomach rumble, and walk to the bathroom, holding on to the toilet waiting for the sick to come up.
It is at this point I think, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME LIFE!? Then it comes…I vomit from the bleeding whole in my stomach! As I vomit, I am thinking how un sexy I am. What the hell are people on about!? And who the hell calls some and say “I think of you when I am fucking my wife”? What the HELL? As I walk back to the sofa and lay down, feeling my bones press against my flesh, I wonder if this is what Celebrities get…I am a performer, I have had more then enough people want to fuck me, but they understand the word NO! Phil does not!
I watch Kill Bill to get the nasty thoughts out of my head, I don’t want to be in his mind! I don’t want to fuck him! NO! I drift to sleep…
Days Later I am getting txt messages on my mobile and I do not want to look. I want to hide.